• Smokey Mirrors

Never forget you

Updated: Apr 14, 2018

The 22nd November will be my baby sister's 40th birthday. At this point, we should be talking about the fabulous party that she'd be busy organising. If there's one thing we can all agree on, it's that my sister loved a party. Fancy dress was a favourite of hers but I tend to think that she would be going for something a bit more sophisticated for such a big occasion. Involving cocktails though, definitely with the cocktails.

Instead, this coming Friday will be the 4th anniversary of the day that she died.

It's a funny thing grief. I mean, it's not actually funny haha of course but it is very strange. When you lose someone very important to you, the world you were living in up to that point is completely blown to bits. All of a sudden you're in a fog-filled, post-apocalyptic landscape that's completely foreign to you and you have to start figuring out how this new life works. Or even whether you want it to quite honestly.

The best thing I've read so far about grief and what it feels like was from a comment on a Reddit post from about 6 years ago that went viral. It was from a (self confessed) 'old' man who talked about grief overcoming you in waves that lessen over time. I immediately recognised my own grief. At first, the waves hit me incessantly and every blink of my eye seemed to bring another choking moment of horror, as I was reminded of my loss. As time passes though, the time between those moments does start to stretch and their crushing intensity, if not the sadness they bring, does start to reduce.

If I were to compare my grief now to Kubler-Ross's 5 stages of grief, I would probably be sitting somewhere between depression and acceptance. After 4 years of Sarah not being here, I think I'm finally getting to a place where I'm coming to terms with it. I don't mean I'm OK with it - how could I be? It will always make my heart hurt to know she isn't in the world anymore, but quite simply there's nothing I can do to change that.

Succeeding in forgetting about Sarah, for however long I manage, always makes me feel guilty, as if I'm pushing her away from me, denying her existence, but I know she'd be OK with whatever I do because I know she loved me and wanted me to be happy.

And it's as simple as that really, isn't it? There's no point chastising myself for anything because it all comes from love: I loved - love - her fiercely and will never, could never, forget her. As GSnow said:

if the scar is deep, so was the love

Well my scar is deep and because of that I'll learn to wear it proudly.

Love you Sarey-bell.

Thanks for reading.

Jane x

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About Me

Smokey Mirrors is me, Jane, sharing bits and pieces of my life for you to marvel over...how lucky you are you ain't me! I'm not interested in filters or fibs, this is life as a 40 plus woman and mum, warts and all.

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