• Smokey Mirrors

How to get what you deserve (and other impossible things)

Updated: Apr 14, 2018

Back in September when I started this blog, I admitted that I am not one of those bloggers who’s there to tell you how to do stuff - I do NOT have life figured out. I’m 42 years old, I have children, I’ve been a fully functioning grown up for quite a few years now, but life often feels as much of a mystery to me now as it did when I was starting out in adulthood.


If anyone tries to tell you that they have life figured out, that if you do X and Y then Z will definitely happen, believe me when I tell you that they are bullshitting you. Seriously, no one is that sorted and life (and specifically other humans) is just not that easy.


Take me for instance: I make mistakes, I get things wrong, I don't always learn from experiences either. Being older doesn't necessarily make me wiser but sometimes, just sometimes, I 'get it'.



Back in the summer I ended a relationship with someone who I finally accepted was not able to commit to me and my children. It took a long time but I managed to find the courage to say 'no more' and end things. It ended amicably and we were going to continue to be the great friends that we'd become to each other over the course of our relationship. All sounds wonderful and terribly grown up right? Now fast forward to today, two months later, and this ex has moved on to someone new (someone who tried their hardest to start something with me earlier this year incidentally) and I’ve been relegated to that place where nobody wants to go: the one where you're being kept at bay, where you're someone who's hard to have contact with, the difficult ex. Oh woe is me.


I know that getting through a break-up is never easy and being friends with your ex is a tough order but the thing is, everyone always know someone who's good friends with their ex...right? And I've experienced more loss in the last 5 years than I care to think about too hard: family, with the breakdown of my relationship with my children's father and the loss of both my sisters (one through death, one through estrangement); my home and friends, through moving away from my home of 20 years and starting again in Essex; and my job, through redundancy just this year. Basically I feel like I'm done with losing shit.


But is being friends with someone who's always the one in charge of deciding whether it's OK for you to spend time together really what I deserve?

Well today I think I've realised something: what I want isn't necessarily what I deserve.


My ex from this summer is a girl and our relationship was tricky from day one. It took a very long time for her to be comfortable with our relationship being public. Now that she's my ex and (apologies for the crudeness) fucking someone who fucked with me, a nice cosy friendship where we all hang out together doesn't exactly seem on the cards. Which mean I'll go back to waiting for whatever scraps of attention she's ready to give me...and you know what? That's not what I deserve. I deserve SO much more than that and so do my children.


Breaking contact with my ex may not be what I want, but actually I think it may be what I deserve.


So there you go folks, being a grown up certainly isn't easy and you don't always get what you want but what I'm (still) learning is to not be so afraid to choose what I deserve.


Thanks for reading.


Jane x

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So, this is it then...the kick off post where you find out what I've got to say and how I'm going to say it.

Unfortunately, I think I'm going to say it just like it is in my head. Which means there's going to be a lot of words, a lot of confusion, indecision, heartache and general angst...

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