• Smokey Mirrors

Frankly my dear

Updated: Apr 14, 2018

Maybe it's because I'm now in my forties but there are definitely some things these days that either I don't or I'm trying not to give a damn about.

Actually, and entirely honestly, I'm still pretty firmly placed in the 'trying hard not to care' camp but we all have to start somewhere, right?!

First up is my face.

I've never been one to wear a lot of make up (in fact I probably didn't start wearing it every day until my mid-twenties) but circa 2010 and my 35th birthday, I started giving a major shit about wrinkles, pores and pigmentation. With an air of desperation I cleansed, exfoliated and toned regularly, I used serums and creams and balms and elixirs. I began wearing light diffusing, tone correcting, illuminating, complexion-evening creams (sorry: cremes) and foundations. Not to mention highlighters, bronzers, blushers...basically I started spending a small fortune on just being able to leave the house of a morning. Now I'm wondering what difference all that has really made, other than to use up my time and money. Not that I'll stop wearing make up completely but my regular daily routine has shortened significantly to wash, exfoliate 2-3 times a week and moisturise with a tinted, high SPF BB creme. Boom, job done. And if anyone doesn't like my face as it actually is, well frankly my dear...

Next up is my weight. Gah this is such a hard one!!! Is there really a single woman out there who doesn't spend time every single day thinking about her weight? Or if not actual numbers then size? I don't weigh myself, I go by what size clothes I can fit into, but I have always thought I'm too fat. I think it now when I weigh over 12 stone and fit into size 12-14 clothes. I also thought it when I weighed about 9 stone and fitted into size 8-10 clothes.

Did being skinnier make a difference to my life? Was I different, happier, more popular, more successful, more content with my life? Well that would be a big fat (or skinny) nope. And I'm not going to try and dress up body dysmorphia as being concerned with being healthy. I'm just going to try not to care about it.

Finally up on the 'don't give a damn' list is other people's opinions. This is one that I will probably never fully overcome. I can't remember a time in my life when I haven't obsessed with wondering what people think about me. Family, friends, friends of friends, even strangers I'll never meet again! I know there's likely to be a big case against this being self-obsessed and it's the one thing I do that I really hate about myself, not least because of its often utterly debilitating side effects, but I just can't help it. Or can I? I look at other people who just don't seem to care: they say and do whatever they please and I wish I could be like that. Maybe self-awareness is enough of a catalyst to change a life-long habit; being aware it's a problem could lead me to breaking the habit? I can only try anyway.

What's on your 'don't give a damn list' or what do you think should be??

Jane x

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Smokey Mirrors is me, Jane, sharing bits and pieces of my life for you to marvel over...how lucky you are you ain't me! I'm not interested in filters or fibs, this is life as a 40 plus woman and mum, warts and all.

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